Well I am writing because I am struggling today with the fact that I can't have another child. It is very hard when your five year old says "maybe Mommy will have another baby". I know that sounds so simple to hear to most people but not to me. It is just so hard for me to know that I was going to start trying to have a second baby and then I found out I had cancer. For some reason today I am beating myself up that I waited so long to want to have another one...but I know everything happens for a reason. That is what Billy told me today..."There is a reason for all of this." But it definitely stinks! Yesterday we were just hanging out in the living room when Jackson said that and for some reason it has just stuck with me....I guess because I think about it all the time but for him to bring it up..it does sting a little. We discussed with him that I couldn't have another one but that maybe we could help out a baby that didn't have a home one day. So today please pray that I have strength to understand why things happened the way they did....I am so grateful that I have Jackson because he is the best kid! He told me today at the restaurant "Mommy I am a million times better because you are my Mommy".....man I love that child!

Pink Everywhere

Well today I went to the 3 day closing ceremonies. It was amazing to say the least. I really wish I would have participated more..next year I will. I was so proud of Penny and Jodie for walking for us. It means so much to me that they did this. I am also proud of Holli and Dana for walking. I am so impressed with Dana that she had the strength and energy to accomplish this after everything that she has gone through. My goal is to be ready next year to participate whether it be walking or working on the crew. I will be there. They raised 6 1/2 million dollars with the 3 day walk......I know that one day there will be life without cancer!!! You have to believe that things can change. I was so glad to have Jackson and Billy there with me to experience this.......

Hello Followers

Well...I am a horrible blogger...I have not written on here in forever. It has been a lot harder to get this done since I have been back to work. Life is crazy! Jackson is now playing soccer with the YMCA and he is doing pretty good. He is doing so much better than he did two years ago. He is really getting in there. They won one game and lost one game. The game they played Saturday..they won 7-0! He didn't score a goal yet. He is good at assisting and then the other player scores. It is so much fun watching him out there. He always looks over at us after a play is done and either gives a thumbs up or an arms out expression if he can't believe what just happened. I will post some pictures of his games.

I am doing good medically. Things have been calm lately. Thank goodness. Doctors appointments are pretty spread out. I have been having some trouble with my arthritis infusion not lasting the whole 8 weeks....so now they have me back on steroids until my next infusion...hopefully we can get that working again...b/c I hate being on a steriod. I will have my reconstructive surgery November 21st. I was planning to have it October during our break but I was concerned about not having enough recovery time. When I have it in November I will have the whole week to recover. I don't go to the oncologist again until December. In December I will have another CT scan mainly for mine and Billy's sanity. They usually don't do one this soon but he said we could if we wanted to. So of course we said yes! I am going to hold off on the "girl" surgeries.....I went to a new gyno and she said that she didn't recommend me having a hysterectomy but to have an ovarectomy..not sure the spelling......she said that I could do it laproscopacly (sp).....I think I will wait until the summer time though. With having such a high chance of ovarian cancer this will be a good thing to have done. With having this said.....I will not be able to have my own child again..which is heartbreaking to me since I was planning on that...but Billy and I have agreed that if we still want to have another one, we will adopt in a few years. I am just happy to have Jackson and for him to be healthy. I don't want to put myself at risk to have another and then have something happen to me.....

Well enough of that talk....

I am so happy to not have to wear a hat anymore....My class has been so great about it to. My hair is coming back in pretty fast. Excited to have my new little short do! :)

Great day

Went to the oncologist Monday and had a good visit. Set up to have new ct scan in December. He said it is not routine to do one so soon but if we wanted one for our peace of mind we could.....

I am not very happy with this new glove...don't think it works as good bc I don't think it fits right...might have to get it looked at bc I don't want to go backwards.....

We had the dove hunt today.....it was a great day.....family, food, friends, and a lot of bird shooting......we had a fun time catching up and hanging out with everyone.....it us always fun to watch! Jackson was so cute in all his camo and his bb gun....it was great watching all the kids playing.....

So excited for gland this week...tuesday is her last chemo....yay!!!!! Next step for both of us is to set up for new boobies!!! Yay for that too...

Thanks everyone for being here for us!!

Everything's falling into place

Well life is still crazy but everything seems to be falling into place. I have had a few weeks of craziness.....My arthritis came back with a vengence! The chemo actually helped my arthritis....never had any trouble the whole time with it.....and then about a month 1/2 later after ending chemo I started hurting really bad. I had alot of issues with my doctor getting back in touch with me...it came down to me doing ALOT of steroids to get it under control...then Tuesday I finally was able to get back on my rhemicade infusion that I used to do. It is the wonder drug for arthritis patients....it costs over 10,000 dollars but it is worth every penny...thanks united healthcare for paying most of that! Most of you know that mama and I were in a wreck last week....scary! I am still having trouble in the car because of that mustang hitting us. I am now very paranoid someone is not going to stop behind me..so I am holding my breath when a car comes up behind me. I didn't like that feeling of knowing that we were about to get hit and we couldn't do anything about it but hold on for the ride...and let me tell you it wasn't a fun ride! My neck is doing better. I was hurting for a few days but it has seemed to ease off. My right arm has a little twing every now and then from where I was holding on to the "oh shit" bar.....I think it will go away though..I was just glad my neck started getting better because I don't want to have problems due to this....already have enough going on as it is....this didn't help the situation....but it could have been so much worse! We are so thankful that none of us were hurt. I just knew when I saw that girl's car that she wasn't going to be getting out of it..and thank goodness she did.....
School is going good..I am getting into the rhythm of things...and I have a good class..they are a sweet class...a little talkative the last few days but I will just have to stay on them about that.....I think it is going to be a great year!
Jackson is doing great in kindergarten..he has a great teacher..Mrs. Annis...I made a really good choice for putting him in her class..he has already learned so much....so i am excited to see how much he does this year.....
Billy is doing good.....holding on for the ride while I take all these steroids...that has been fun for him..hahaha.......he brought me flowers the other day.....:)

well i will try to keep writing more.....i haven't been very good lately about updating...will post some pics soon

First Four days Down

Well I have survived the first four days of school. It is very different being back this year. A little more scattered and a little more tired! But I am getting through the days. Today around 10 it hit me how drained I was feeling. I think over time it will get better. I do feel like I am getting into the swing of things....the beginning of school is always crazy. I have a good group of kids and I really think they will be very understanding..hopefully..

I went today and go a second glove and sleeve. I have had to move up to compression class 2...which means they are tighter and will hopefully help the swelling stay down. My sleeve fit fine but my glove is being sent back because it was making my hand hurt and the fingers were too long on it. My lovely "transformer" arm is now gone and I hope I don't have to wear all that bandaging again any time soon. It made me feel 100 degrees hottter! I will just have to wear my old glove until the new one comes in. For now I have to wear the glove and sleeve for a while to make sure the swelling stays down...i don't think i will always have to wear it .....one day maybe it will be just for certain activities. I did get a lovely nightsleeve to wear at bedtime. It looks like an oven mitt all the way up to your shoulder with the fingers cut out of it..I will try to post a picture soon. Supposedly I will love the night sleeve....we will see...hahahah

Can I please move to the beach?

I just got reminded of how much I love the beach. We just got back from spending a week at Mexico beach. It was so nice to get away from my life of doctors and not do anything. Many days Billy woul have to come out to me and ask me if I was coming in yet....hahahaha. I just love the atmosphere of the beach. I love sitting, listening to the waves, and reading a book...ahhh so peaceful. Today was bam to reality.....long class for work. I can't believe I am going back to work nest Friday. Where did the summer go? I am very nervous about going back to work after being gone since February. Today wore me out and I just sat there in a class....how is my usual schedule going to drain me. I am sure once my body gets uses to the routine I will be fine. But I am not going to lie....sitting listening to all this work stuff was a little overwhelming. When the other teachers were diacussing stuff for this year I felt so out of the loop. I even felt out of place....I know that will go away when I get back in the groove. At least I hope. So my question again is....can I run away and hide at the beach? Lol



Also. ...tomorrow I start going to the lymphodema specialist to work with her on getting the swelling down on my hand...she said she will probably wrap my arm and also I will probably have to get a night garment to wear on my arm to sleep in. Good thing is I will get a massage on my arm all these days. That is how she will try to work the fluid back up my arm. Something like that. So say a prayer that she get this swelling under control bc I don't want to have to wear this sleeve and glove all the time.